How It Felt to Fall: The Sequel …
I felt the intolerable heat grip my lungs. I felt the heat consume me with every heavy breath. No matter my efforts, I knew it was futile. My fate was sealed.
The sun beamed brighter than it ever had as if heaven was burning me and my people alive itself. Or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps heaven just wanted for me to burn, to let me know They had been watching me this entire time and already knew what I had done… My head was losing awareness. My bare feet were losing its war against gravity. My walk swayed.
My existence felt sloppy. Heaven and Hell and my people were all watching me in silence. They were watching my life be taken from my body.
I reached out to the bodies to hold myself up as they just stood and watched. My eyelids felt like a thousand gold bricks. The desert and sky and jewels all reflected wild lights across my body, which all blended together into a consuming iridescent madness of all the sins that I knew were taking me to Hell just then.
They say you see your whole life flash before your eyes right before you die and it is true- I saw my whole life flash before my unfocused, blurred eyes that were struggling to hold on, to stay open. I saw all the struggles of growing up and all the choices I made while I was still in the light and I saw the moment when it all broke. I saw the moment I broke Heaven’s heart. I saw the moment when I laid before the light and still gave my body over to the dark, with no shame too. I saw the moment when the darkness took my bare body and I saw how much it loved me- the darkness loved me. Hell loved me. Lucifer loved me. And I was shameless in letting it happen, in enjoying the unholiness of it all.
My existence felt sloppy. Whorish. I was adorned by these people, I was adorned by God and the Angels, I was adorned by Satan, and yet they all watched emotionlessly as I died before them. They loved me and yet they would let me die. Like a lovesick lover. As if I had laid with them all and broke all their hearts. So they let me die as a result of their own devices colliding with their love of me..
Finally, my ankles gave out. And they caught me. My people. Suddenly they all wanted to touch me, carry me, raise me up just as I felt my soul began to leave this first vessel. Then, they all broke their silence, and in unison, they began to sinisterly chant in a monophonic, monotone singular voice:
“THE QUEEN IS DEAD. THE QUEEN IS DEAD. THE QUEEN IS DEAD.”
And just like that, my eyes slowly closed for a final time, though not before I saw the shadow of wings fly over.
Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, cruel world. Hello, Hell.
***
Gasping for air, I shot my limp body up to catch my breath. I noticed the marble was freezing beneath me as I looked around to get a bearing on where I was, who I was, and what had happened. Why had I just felt like I had I just taken my first fresh breath of life?
Angels all stood surrounding my naked limp body on the ice floor. They were starring at me. They were staring with the same indifference as the people that had starred at me as I gasped for air as I died. This time it was angels who were staring at me as I gasped for air as I was brought back to life.
Then, I remembered. I remembered my mortal life. Furthermore, I had remembered beyond that. I had remembered my life prior to my first human life. I remembered my original sin, the crime that had landed me my punishment of never-ending human incarnations with my flame.
It was in this moment I had realized the magnitude of my first life’s sin. A divine comedy it was in the throne room of all places that my first human sin mirrored my soul’s original sin, both forbidden loves. The cosmic irony of having fallen in love with the Prince of Heaven as an angel and then the King of Hell as a human.
I shuddered in disgust of how far I had truly fallen this time. I shuddered in disgust of it all. My head started to spin…
I did the only thing I knew I could do—speak not a word and kneel before the Throne. And so I did. I bowed my head in silence as Heaven broke into a beautiful riot around me about what to do with my damned, forsaken soul. For that is what forever I shall be now, one of the damned… So, I just waited, head down, kneeled, ready for my final death… But, it never came. No, Heaven had much more terrible plans for me…
I closed my eyes trying to imagine my perfect Angel still on earth finishing his first life as I heard my punishment bellow.
My sweet Angel, I am so sorry. Forgive me for I know not what I do whilst encased in the human vessel. My sweet Angel please forgive me in this life and the next. Amen.
Xoxo,
J
